Story: 2
For every genre, there are the masterpieces, and then there are the absolute horrors. And just like in film, where the horror films are the worst movies ever made, same goes for anime. Today I review the anime, ‘Vampire Hunter D’, an anime heralded by some as an absolute work of Art, and by others, including myself, an absolute piece of shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Vampire Hunter D, and D himself is probably the coolest character ever made. But the movie itself, is horrible. Allow me to elaborate.
Doris is a pretty young farmer girl (now don’t spooge yourself yet) with a dark secret (ok, now you can). One night when she was out protecting her property from an evil monster (not your typical midnight stroll, I tell you what) a werewolf suddenly jumped from among the bushes and snatched young Doris’ cross amulet right off of her pretty little neck (for you neck freaks, go ahead and spooge yourself, again).
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The Count Magnus Lee emerges from his shadowy hiding spot, and gives Doris a vampiric ‘kiss’, thus branding her as his wife to be. It’s a race against time, as D, the mysterious new Vampire Hunter hired by Doris, must save Doris from the clutches of the Count from within his impregnable fortress/castle.
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Yeah… this is probably one of the worst stories ever conceived. It has the typical B movie story line, and it’s really predictable. Even the quote-unquote, ‘surprise’, twist at the end isn’t that surprising. Nothing leaves you guessing, but instead, leaves you yawning. You’d probably find pr0n with a better story line than this piece of defecation. I know I have.
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Animation 2; Sound 2
Is the animation of VHD something that should be praised today, and years to come? To put it simply… no. It’s animation is horrible, and you can tell it was animated in the 80’s. It’s God Awful. Case-in-point: The weird ass flashy symbol things that happen for about 3 minutes near the end. These are about all the words one can muster to describe the utter horribleness that is the animation for this OVA.
And, as always, the sound is bad too. Voices don’t match up for either languages, and as always, you should stay away from the English dub like you would the plague, or leprosy, or Cathy Lee Gifford. Trust me, pressing mute and listening to just the sound from a pr0n flick would make more sense than this does. Then the music can’t even save it. It’s horrible. Doesn’t even sound like classical music, nor does it even add to the suspense of the movie.
Characters: 1.5
*sigh* When will this horror end? Seriously shoot me. Please. I can’t even stand to right a review of this movie, it is that bad. O’ annoying and useless characters, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. THERE ARE TOO MANY TOO FRIGGIN’ COUNT! Holy lord… someone please put me, or this movie out of it’s misery. Please. The only reason this movie gets 1.5 instead of 1 is because D is just such a badass. He earned this movie that half point.
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Total: 7.5
Overall: 2 Twinkies out of a possible 5 Twinkies.
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*sigh* Phew… you have no idea how much it hurt me to write that. I love this movie dearly… but oh how it is God Forsaken. Seriously. If you have a friend who is a newbie to anime, and has never seen it before and would like to… show them this. Then show them something good like Escaflowne: The Movie. ~ the Paladinmeister
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.:: oh tell me why… do we build castles in the sky?::.
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